Parent's Questions and Answers

A: Absolutely. Here are 15 things that will keep your child out of the at-risk group and move them confidently into the area of living their lives with confidence and integrity.

Values Reinforcers for parents

IF I COULD wave a magic wand over the environment surrounding your teen, I would make the following fifteen assets a consistent reality in their world. I call these "values reinforcers" because without them, our values evaporate in a confusing and compromising world. Rarely do I find young people who have all of these assets in need of counsel. Sit down with your kids and discuss these assets with them. Ask for their opinion on what changes can be made to make these a permanent part of your home. This will help give your children ownership as well as a feeling of importance and capability. See how many you are providing for your family now, and work on the ones that seem to be weak at this time.

1. A family that supports and protects one another.

Gangs are never needed when a young person feels support and appreciation at home. An environment that is safe and happy breeds a sense of importance and belonging. Teens who don't feel connected to something greater than themselves will search the world over to find a way to prove their worth. Kids coming from strong homes have no need to prove their significance by having premarital sex or using drugs. They know what real, unselfish love, with no strings attached, is all about because they have seen it lived out in their home. Therefore when the counterfeit comes along, they will spot it in an instant. Make sure that your house is a warm, loving home where your child can find a safe haven from a very demanding and coldhearted world.

2. A strong bond of friendship between parent and teen.

It's been said that teens will go to people they respect when they need someone to talk to. I believe, however, that if a strong relationship doesn't already exist, there is no way they will approach that person. Teens have told me over the years that they would love to go to their parents with their questions and to look to them as a resource for help and advice - but they are afraid of how their parents might react. No one wants to share fears and weak areas with someone who seems to be too busy or insensitive to care. Treat your kids as your friends. Have fun with them and share your thoughts and heart, and you'll be opening the door for them to do the same.

3. Parents with whom teens can talk about anything.

Without the friendship and bond we just spoke of, open communication will never take place. Very few teens feel they can talk to their parents about serious and intimate issues such as sex, their feelings of inadequacy, peer pressure to drink and use drugs, and tough questions like "If God really cares why doesn't he answer my prayers?" Help your teen be one of the fortunate young people in this country who can go to their parents with any and every concern they have. Give them the edge they need to develop and grow, with the assurance that their questions are being answered by someone who loves them as much as life itself. If you or I need someone to talk with but have no one to turn to, we feel pretty bad, don't we? For a teen this seems like the end of the world! Be there for them. Ask them to help you learn how to talk to them. You will be pleasantly surprised at their interest in meeting you halfway.

4. Parents who are actively involved in their teen's school, church, sports, and other outside activities.

Parents who get to know their teen's teachers, coach, youth pastor, and friends' parents almost guarantee successful teen years. It takes time and effort, but the good news is that if we spend time with them now, they will want to spend time with us later. It's like the song "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin. If we are too busy pursuing life to spend time getting to know our kids, they will have no reason to please us by their wise choices. A young boy in a juvenile home told a youth worker, "My parents weren't involved in my life when I obeyed all the rules. They didn't even know I existed. Now I have them all to myself for two solid hours every Wednesday and Saturday during visitation." What a shame that tragedies have to happen before some parents desire to throw their arms and lives around their kids.

5. Authentic parents.

If your standards for yourself are as high as they are for your children, you will never be guilty of not walking your talk or living out your faith.

Many parents want their kids to live like saints but refuse to follow the same rules. One troubled teen told me, "My parents tell me not to drink, but they can't get through one night without booze. They yell at me and my friends about drinking and driving, but my dad has taken many baby-sitters home after he's been drinking all night. Now that they got divorced, my mom has her boyfriend stay at our house overnight. She better not try and preach to me about morals." That boy had so much anger and bitterness built up in him that it's just a matter of time before he begins acting on it. Be parents worth following because you are sticking to the same ideals you would have liked your parents to live by.

6. Positive discipline.

Discipline is synonymous with training, not punishment. Positive discipline comes from parents who try to coach their kids rather than drill them and demand perfection. Let your teens know what you expect. Then make sure and inspect whatever they have done, whether it be cleaning the car or finding out who chaperoned the party they were at Friday night.

Think of all the things our kids do right. Now think of all the things we so easily catch them doing wrong. Just like missing two questions out of a hundred, they probably do ninety-eight things right for each two things they do wrong. A wise parent recently told me that we don't have the right to catch our kids doing the two wrong things if we have failed to catch them doing any of the ninety-eight right things.

To respect God means that we know he loves us enough to show us the right way to do something if we are doing it wrong. Positive discipline will help our kids respect us in that same way.

7. Parents who know what's going on.

No one will check up on your child like you will. If you don't put forth the effort to know what's going on in your child's emotional, physical, social, and spiritual life, you can be assured that no one else will either. Parents need to link up with one another to organize a network that will work together to monitor teens' activities during the week and especially on the weekends. Obviously there is no way to know everything your teen does - nor would we want to. (Boy, you can say that again!)

I'm not talking about being a drill sergeant. But I see far too many parents who are strangers to their teens and their peers. In a few short years they will be on their own, and no one will be checking up on their whereabouts or activities. The world awaiting them is cold and indifferent. Show them you care by doing your best to guide them in and out of wise choices, activities, and friendships. Stay involved.

However, I must also warn against one of the biggest threats keeping your teen from making choices and decisions for themselves. Helicopter parents! Hovering over their teen doing everything for them and never letting them make their own choices and feel the consequences. Know whats going on but give them the space they need to make mistakes and learn some things the hard way.

8. Enjoyable time at home.

Well-adjusted young people who can look others in the eye, as well as have a sparkle in their own, almost always come from a home with a pleasant atmosphere. Ask yourself: When was the last time I laughed out loud with my kids? Isn't it easy to get caught up in the stress that life throws at us and find that you haven't laughed in several days or weeks? I try so hard to make our home a happy place. Often I catch myself demanding perfection from my kids to a point that I'm no more than an old grouch. All of us learn from my wife, Holly, about laughing easily and often. I'm convinced that laughter-like joy and inner peace-come from knowing that you aren't trying to hide anything from God.

Do your kids enjoy being alone? It's very healthy for them to enjoy their own company as well as relax and think or listen to music. (I realize that much of their music is a direct contradiction to the words relax and think, but then again, so was most of ours.

Of course, damaging and destructive lyrics are something that e dealt with. Be gentle and positive, but do address that issue because those lyrics are programming your teen toward self-destruction.)

Do you as a family enjoy each other's company? Are the phrases "I love you" and "I love you, too" heard often enough around your home? Are put-downs prohibited? Do you encourage each other to make up before bedtime to avoid sleeping on your anger? All in all, your home should be an oasis any of you can become refreshed after a day in the scorching world.

9. Positive adult role models.

I am very fortunate to have many friends who take an active interest in my children. Several of my friends have taken my kids out for a meal at different times, at my request, just to talk with them about a difficult time they might be going through. It's extremely important that our kids hear the same consistent messages from other adults that they hear from us.

In thinking through all of the adults in your child's world (coach, youth pastor, teacher, neighbor, your friends, Scout leader etc.), how many of them help your child desire a more Godly life? Our kids need all the help we can give them, and few things undermine what we are trying to pass on to them like adults who send mixed messages. Be willing to gently confront any adults who might be harmful to your kids. Just as you protected your kids when they were little by making sure their baby-sitters were responsible and capable, you need to pay attention to their environment even when they're teens.

10. A safe and encouraging school climate.

In America over one hundred thousand guns are taken to schools every day. If your children's school isn't safe, do your part in helping to make it safe. Ask the principal and teachers how you can by used inside the school to have your presence seen. Schools would love to have parents who are willing to get involved.

Become actively involved in your school. Get to know the teachers as well as the curriculum. Our kids' minds and their views of right and wrong are at stake. Please forgive me if I am causing any pain or guilt over this intense subject. I have seen so many lives that have been deeply affected because parents failed to investigate the environment their child was caught in.

11. Positive peers with similar beliefs.

There isn't much I can say about this subject that you don't already know. If your teen seems to be attracted to a peer with a negative influence, one of two things is probably the cause: Either your teen's self-image matches that of the friend, or the friend is providing the feeling of being needed and loved that your teen isn't finding at home.

Here are several tips that hundreds of successful parents whom I've had the pleasure of meeting over the past twenty years have shared with me:

Model friendships with people who have healthy attitudes and habits. If your kids can see you enjoying life with friends who don't use alcohol or profanity, they will get the idea that healthy, positive friends can be fun for them as well. Many teens never get the opportunity to observe healthy relationships. Give them this precious gift.

Get to know your child's friends. Negative peers with their own agendas seldom allow themselves to get very close to authority figures who might expose them. I counsel many troubled parents each year who tell me they wish they had invaded their teen's world in a positive, loving way. When your teen's friends get used to looking you in the eye and talking with you face-to-face, they will usually think twice about talking your teen into doing something that they know would get them into hot water with you.

Spend time with the families of your teen's friends. Parents who get to know the entire family of their teen's friend are giving themselves an ace in the hole. Yes, this takes a tremendous amount of time-but so does picking up broken pieces and damaged lives. Have the family over to your home, and show how enjoyable it can be playing games and having laughs without using alcohol or drugs. This family may be a mission field for your family. Wise Christian parents never cast off a teen's troubled friend until they have taken the time and effort to pray and do their best to touch his or her life with the love of Jesus.

Make a written list of positive characteristics of healthy, well-intentioned friends. Together with your teen, write down qualities of healthy and unhealthy friends. When someone comes into your teen's life about whom you have serious questions, simply have your child go over the list of qualities and objectively evaluate this person's character. Your teen helped come up with the list, so all you are doing is putting the ball back in your teen's court.

Pray with your teen that God will bring his chosen friends into your teen's life. Whenever I meet Christian teens who are attracted to friends with strong values, prayer almost always has played a huge part in it. Many teens have told me that they grew up hearing their parents pray for their future friends as well as their husband or wife. Praying for God's protection and wisdom in making the right choices about friends helps your child recognize that God wants to take an active part in our everyday lives. God is just as thrilled when our kids go to him for advice as we are when they come to us. You will never stand taller in your children's eyes than when you stoop down to pray with them.

12. Positive media input.

Here are two statements I hope you never forget:

1. This is the first generation to be totally immersed in the media while growing up.

2. If you allow your children to watch and listen to whatever they choose whenever they wish, you are wasting your time taking them to church or teaching them your values.

Many teens have never been told that the media - and the superstars getting rich off of it - do not have our best interests at heart. The junk that is pumped into our kids' minds and hearts for an average of two to four hours each day needs a filtering system to protect kids from the full force of its poison. You are that filter. You must be willing to model wise media use yourself and have the courage and fortitude to make tough decisions about which media input upholds your family values. If you leave your children to their own discretion and desires, you might as well admit that our culture is raising your children.

Kids of all ages feel safe when standards are set and upheld. I'm not talking about being a control freak. Parents who try to control every ounce of their child's life end up handing the world an emotional cripple. I am, however, trying to make as strong a statement as I can that if you let the secular media enter your children's world at the average rate, you will end up with some serious challenges in imparting your values to them. Help your kids learn to discern for themselves what programming will make them more like Jesus and what programming they would feel ashamed of if he were sitting next to them watching and listening.

13. Positive involvement in after-school activities.

Let's face it; if your kids aren't involved in after-school activities such as sports, music, church, or Scouting, they have lots of time on their hands to get into trouble. Like all of us, kids need direction and structure.

Many parents regret not encouraging their children to expand their areas of interest by getting involved in after-school activities. It's much easier to allow kids who are afraid to try something new to stay within their comfort zone. But study after study shows that kids who are involved in these types of programs are much less likely to become involved with the wrong kind of friends, alcohol and drugs, violence and gang activity, and premarital sex. Spend the time now encouraging your child to get involved in activities that will enhance their confidence in their own abilities, and you will have much less work to do later. I challenge you to get involved so you can tell whether the coach or Scouting leader is the kind of person you want your child spending time with.

Once again, balance is the key. Some families go to the opposite extreme, overdoing it by allowing - or even urging - their kids to participate in too many sports or activities at the same time.

14. Serving others.

How many times have you heard "The missions trip through our church changed my life forever"? Whenever I talk with youth pastors, I always ask, "What is the single greatest thing you have done to bring the faith of your teens alive?" One very successful youth pastor told me, "I try to get them to live out their faith. Traveling away from their familiar surroundings helps them rely totally on God and his strength to help them fulfill whatever purpose they are there for. Sometimes we build buildings or paint houses or simply go where we can and hand out food to starving people. Serving other people and seeing the destitute lifestyle of those less fortunate is the only surefire way I've found to shake kids out of their complacency."

My own daughter grew tremendously the summer she got involved in a teen-volunteer program. She chose to work at the local retirement home. Being involved with older people - seeing their genuine appreciation and youthful attitudes - was a life-changing experience for her. All she did was serve. Whatever needed to be done, she was asked to do. She volunteered her time, but from her excitement you would have thought she had earned a million dollars.

I receive hundreds of letters from teens each year talking about depression and suicide. Seldom do I encounter a depressed or worried teen who is involved in the lives of those less fortunate. Without realizing it, we automatically count our blessings when we are in situations where we are confronted with people who have very little.

Go with your teen and serve supper at a gospel mission. Have them take clothes they haven't worn in the past six months to Goodwill. Ask your church about the possibility of having several families take a missions trip. There is most likely a place in your own town where you could get involved in the lives of troubled families. Jesus taught us that if we are truly his friends and followers we will look for people to serve. Help your children learn to serve others for the love of the Lord.

15. A close walk and friendship with Jesus.

I put this point last for emphasis, but in reality it needs to be first and foremost - a foundation for all the other fourteen assets. There are two main scenarios that can produce in a young person's life a close walk with Jesus as Lord, Savior, and best friend: Either the teen has been fortunate enough to live in a family where most of these fourteen other assets exist, or the young person comes from a very dysfunctional home and has somehow found and clung tightly to Jesus for survival.

It seems very obvious that most of our troubles would be eliminated if this one point were reality in our lives. But for a young person a close walk with the Lord seldom happens unless he or she is drawn to it by the lifestyle of a hero or loved one.

If any or all of these points seem impossible to you - or too good to be true - please grab hold of the Lord's hand and turn yourself and your problems over to him. He has the strength when we feel weak and frail. He has wisdom that can be ours when we feel like the worst parents in the neighborhood, if we but ask for it. Fall deeply in love with Jesus and your children will witness the greatest role model they could ever have. Together you and your loving heavenly Father can turn your dreams of a healthy family into reality. Start today.

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