Bill Speaks! Bill Sanders: Frequently Asked Teen Questions

Q: My family never seems to have a good word to say about me. They always compare me with my older brother. Sometimes I don't think even God could love me!

A: Though it's easy for parents to pick one child and turn him into an example for the whole family, hearing that sibling praised all the time and never hearing about your own good points can hurt. But instead of falling into bad habits because of it, overcome this situation.

1. Remember that God really does love you. He always has and always will. Because of the way your family treats you and how you view them, you may not feel very loved, but that can change. If you wait for your family to approve of you, you may become frustrated. Until things improve, focus on your heavenly Father, who sent His Son, Jesus, to die for you. Appreciate the love He has given you - love far greater than you'll find in any earthly family.

2. Talk to your brother. Don't be angry at him. After all, he has not made your parents act this way. Ask if he has noticed it, how he feels about it, and what suggestions he has. Maybe he will go to your parents with you.

3. Talk to your parents or write them a letter. Tell them how much you perceive that they compare you with your brother. Share your good points with them, the strengths, desires, goals, and talents you have that are missing in your brother. While you do so, though, do not attack your brother.

4. Be yourself. God made you different from your brother for a reason. Don't change to fit your parents' hopes and perceptions. In the long run, that cannot make you or them happy. Seek out the things God has for you, the unique person He created.

5. Develop good life skills. Show your parents honesty, gentleness, compassion, and the ability to work hard. Don't let the situation make you bitter and deprive you of the desire to relate well to others.

6. Tell your parents that you need their love. Tell them you need their total, unconditional acceptance and love. Let them know how much that will mean to you.

7. Explain the influence they have on you. Tell your mom and dad that how they parent you will mold the way you grow and what type of parent you become. Ask them if they want you to pass on these feelings to future grandchildren.

8. Forgive them. Your mom and dad probably don't realize they have gotten into such a bad habit or that it hurts you so much. They are doing their best to raise you well. Don't let their weakness ruin you. Keep negative emotions from harming you by making forgiveness a habit.

9. Depend on God. With His help you can overcome this. When times seem tough, turn to your heavenly Father for strength. Even through your pain He can mold you into a more compassionate person - if you don't let hate and bitterness tie you down.

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MAKING CHOICES

Q: When I have to make a tough choice, how can I know I am making the right decision?

A: As a teen, you can face tough decisions every day. During these years you begin to discover truths about yourself and life and the good and bad things they hold. Whatever action you choose, first ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does it violate one of God's rules? If it does, it will always be wrong. People may tell you it's okay to lie, cheat, or steal, but God says no! No matter what anyone claims, that will never change. If you do decide to go against His rules, you will pay the price.

Save yourself a lot of heartache by searching the Bible to discover the advice God's Word has for you. If God says yes, then do it; if He says no, then don't. He gave you those guidelines to help you avoid lots of pain.

If you can't find the answers in your Bible, why not ask someone else whom you respect where to find the answer? Your pastor, youth leader, or a Sunday-school teacher may be able to turn you to the right verses and show you what they mean.

2. Does this action violate one of man's laws? God's Word doesn't say anything about speeding, but that doesn't mean it's okay. Our government makes laws for our good, and God wants us to obey them.

Only consider disobeying a man-made law when it disagrees with God's Word. For example, our laws say a woman has the right to abort an unborn baby, and the government will pay for it. But God's Word makes it clear we are living human beings with fingerprints and heartbeats when we are still inside our mother's wombs. In such a case a Christian needs to do what's right, not seek out legal rights that don't agree with God's truths.

3. Am I on the wrong road? What if God's Law isn't black and white on an issue? When it doesn't spell out what you should do, remember this little ditty: "If God's rules aren't black or white, will it lead me toward wrong or right?" For example, God's Word does not specify what you should do on a date. Nowhere does it say, "Thou shalt not go parking or kiss passionately." But if gray areas like those could lead you to actions you'd regret, it's better to bypass that parking place and hold back on the kissing. Be wise and smart. Don't get started down the wrong road.

When a gray area tempts you, ask yourself, What are my chances of going farther and regretting my actions? If there is any chance at all, run. It takes real courage to get out of Dodge City when a gunslinger walks the street, seeking to make you a notch on his pistol.

4. Whose advice can I ask? If you have trouble making a decision, seek out the advice of a wiser, older person who has your best interests at heart.

You'll hear music that advises you to have a good time, and friends may encourage you to do things you'd rather bypass. To tune in to what's right, seek out the opinion of someone who has a good track record when it comes to decision making. Ask your parents, older friends, teachers you respect, or a minister or counselor. When that person gives you advice, listen to it carefully and consider putting it into action.

5. What are the long-term results? Will this cause fun in the short run, but pain for the rest of your life - or even just a long time? If so, say no. Don't choose to play now, pay later. Do you need to spend your life as a single parent, living in poverty, because you made an unwise choice today? No, make the better decision.

6. What is my long-term plan? If emotions catch you up, you can make bad, spur-of-the-moment decision. Plan ahead and follow your plan. It's never too late to say no to premarital sex, but when you're half undressed on the couch, it may be hard to convince your date you mean business.

Follow the best plan. Instead of going to a party where there are drugs and planning on not taking them, plan never to go. Tell your date or friends you won't go certain places. Stick by the things you know are good and avoid those that cause harm: premarital sex, pornography, alcohol or drugs, stealing, cheating, and so on.

Ask yourself, What is good for me and others? Your future, your friends, and your family all deserve your best. Don't let inconsiderate planning hurt people.

Before you make a tough decision, go over these questions in your mind. Begin forming habits that will develop your character. Become the person God wants you to be, not a wishy-washy one swayed by the thoughts of others.

Would you feel embarrassed, dirty, or bad doing this activity, if God or your parents were standing by you as you did it? If so, I think you know what to do.

Q: I'm eighteen and about to graduate. I'm kind of scared, thinking about my future. Any advice?
A: Life has begun to change for you. Now you face new decisions, and it's perfectly normal to feel nervous. When you feel overwhelmed, don't get down. Look at what you have going for you.
1. You can put your trust in God. He loves you and wants to help you through this time. If you pray, asking Him for guidance, He will show you the way. Remain close to Him by acting in His will, as far as you know it, instead of rebelling from church and all it stands for.

2. Realize who loves you most. In addition to God, you have your parents, special friends, and the adults you look up to. Because they have wisdom and experience, make use of their advice. Their knowledge could save you from some expensive mistakes. Ask what they think about college, your career, and where you should live. Listen carefully to their ideas.

3. Look at the past. You were probably scared when you went from third grade to fourth grade, but it went fine. Focus on past successes. All through life you'll face new challenges and change. Millions of others have done it, and you can, too.

4. Look to the future. When you ask questions, you show wisdom and common sense. Recognize potential problems before you face them. Then you can proceed with a mixture of caution and confidence. Don't fear risk, and be creative. Act with character and confidence, and you won't regret it!

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AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY?

Q: I feel so lonely. I never know what to do when I feel this way, and I'm tired of feeling down and out. I need some help. I need a friend. Please help!

A: Feeling lower than a snake's naval isn't fun. No one wants to stay down in the dumps for long, but every perfectly normal person does have days like these. So don't worry if it happens once in a while.
That doesn't mean you have to stay depressed, that you can't make a friend, or that you're doomed to remain lonely for the rest of your life. Understand what it means to be lonely and how to get out of this emotion.

1. What does it mean to be lonely? Being alone and loneliness are two different things. Everyone wants some time to himself, time to slow down, relax, and order his life. Can you think of times when you've been happy to spend time alone? How about times when you couldn't wait to get off by yourself?

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd? That usually happens because you feel that no one there truly cares for you. But if a friend walks in and begins to talk to you, your whole perspective may change. Suddenly you feel part of things again. When you feel lonely, look for an unmet need in you that needs caring for.

2. Loneliness may have a simple cause. If you've been in a troubled or stressed situation, or if you just confronted something you've never handled before, you may feel lonely. Perhaps you've just had a fight with your best friend. By identifying the cause of your feelings and acting to correct a trouble spot, you may solve your problems and begin to feel better fast.

3. Loneliness can consume you. If you feel lonely and don't take steps to get rid of it, that emotion can overwhelm you. Instead of falling into the loneliness habit, fight back. Don't slip into the cycle of sadness: take action! You'll be surprised how quickly that will change how you feel.

Loneliness doesn't have to remain, if you take a few simple steps:

1. Avoid compromise. While you feel down in the dumps, don't set aside your beliefs, values, and the things that are important to you. To keep from feeling lonely, girls have had sex outside of marriage - and ended up regretting it. In seeking intimacy, don't give away something precious. Nor should you take drugs, become involved in crime, or lie, cheat, and steal to achieve popularity. In the long run, you'll only do yourself great harm. Avoid regrets by avoiding compromise.

2. Become active. When you feel lonely because a friend whom you've hurt avoids you. If your pride stands between you and the phone call that could heal that friendship, push aside your pride. Be humble enough to ask for forgiveness. Whatever the issue that keeps you apart, confront it. Until you do, you will feel little peace.

1. Think of your old friends and make new ones. When have you really felt close to someone? Take yourself back to a time when you and your friend shared something that brought you joy and didn't hurt either of you. Bring back those memories and see what made that friendship work.

Make Jesus your Best Friend. Once He comes into your heart, you never need to be lonely again. No matter what you go through, no matter how many - or few - friends you have, He will always stay by your side.

2. Stop comparing yourself with others. Don't look at the TV and imagine that everyone has such a perfect family life. When you look at the other teens in your school's halls, they may seem to have better friendships. Don't let these idealistic comparisons make you feel blue. Chances are, you do not see the whole picture.

What reasons do you feel good about yourself? Look inside and see yourself the way God sees you. Search out good companions and friendships. Don't keep falling down on yourself when you have so much to share.

3. Get involved. If you wait for others to ask you to join the group or to go somewhere, they may never know you are interested. Ask if you can come. Take part in something you've always wanted to try. Bring together some people you'd like to have for friends. Don't sit around looking at the yearbook, feeling sorry for yourself, or walk down the halls, wishing you had a friend. Find someone who needs one.

As you do these things, you'll probably feel a whole lot better. By becoming involved with others, you'll take your mind off your own troubles.

Q: I feel depressed most of the time. Emptiness fills me inside, and I have no energy. I want to feel good about my life. Please help.
A: You need to begin by trying to figure out why you feel this way. Is it caused by a single event you can do something about? (Did your boyfriend drop you, so you sit at home alone most of the day?) Or is it something more long-term and serious? (Your father abused you or you have a history of getting down in the dumps.)
Take some steps to help yourself.

1. Can you do something about your problem? Maybe you feel depressed because you've put on some weight. Decide what action to take. If it's only a few pounds, start eating sensibly. If you need a doctor's help, seek it. Make certain you exercise enough each day. Get with a group who can help you lose weight.

Did a friend tell you he never wants to see you again? Turn to the best friend you can have - Jesus. He has hope for you, a bright future, and answers for every trouble you will face.

2. Talk to someone you can trust. If you have a serious problem, like a family crisis that does not go away, or if the depression lasts, seek professional help. If you don't know how to find a counselor, seek out anyone who loves kids and has a caring heart: your school counselor, your parents, or a trusted aunt or uncle. Find out why the emptiness inside you does not go away. Talking will help. If you seek a professional counselor, a few visits may relieve 80 to 90 percent of the hurt. Just knowing you have somewhere to turn can give you hope.

3. Get involved with people who need you. Being around people who need you or have it worse than you do can pump you up. Help out at a day-care center. Go to the hospital and visit the elderly, or become a counselor at a camp for children with cancer. Helping others can help you.

4. Make yourself stretch mentally and grow emotionally. Start the hobby you've dreamed of but never spent time on. Enroll in a new class. Offer to do extra work at school. Do anything that will build up your confidence. Stretch and grow, and you will feel good about yourself.

5. Don't watch too much TV. Limit the time you spend watching television. Also ban all soap operas from your schedule - they continually show the lives of troubled people who have no morals. In those shows depression, deceit, and drugs look normal.

6. Stay busy. If you sit around and think about your problems, they will begin to seem larger than life. Instead join an exercise or tennis club. Become part of a sports league in which you must play or exercise on a regular basis. By joining a group, you will force yourself to go regularly.

7. Read inspirational, uplifting, hopeful material at bedtime and first thing in the morning. You will put hope, excitement, and beauty in your heart and mind, and that will push out the bad, depressing thoughts. Read ten minutes of Psalms or Proverbs. Go to a local Christian bookstore and ask for books that will help you grow spiritually and mentally.

8. Don't talk with everyday people about your problems. Seek out a counselor or one special adult, but don't ask everyone's opinion. If you do, in a little while you won't know what to think, because everyone will give you a different idea. Many people's negative advice will only bring you down.

9. Use positive words. Make beautiful, caring, love, honesty, and integrity part of your vocabulary. Don't be bummed out, lousy, or think, No one cares.

10. Write a blessed list. Put twenty things God has blessed you with down on paper. Think of things you haven't earned, paid for, or worked for (start with your eyesight, hearing, and the abilities to walk, talk, and think).

11. Write a success list. What have you worked for and earned? If you put forth energy and got results, add it to this list. (I learned to read, write, ride a bike, play baseball, knit a sweater, save money. . . .)

12. Forgive others and be forgiven yourself. If you have to make up with a friend, do it. Go to that person and ask forgiveness for the hurt you caused. Go to God and accept His forgiveness. He has already sent His Son, Jesus, to die for all (yes, all) the sins of the world, including yours. Forgive yourself for not being perfect; no one else is either.

13. Avoid pornography. Stay away from any movie, magazine, video, TV show, or book that puts people down. Pornography degrades everyone. Satan uses it as one of his greatest tools to destroy or depress people.

14. Avoid things that will give you a "short high." Alcohol and drugs make you feel good for a while, but in the end they can only depress you. Sex outside of marriage may look good, until you experience the guilt and self-worth damage, and run the risk of pregnancy or STDs. God says it's wrong because He does not want you to hurt this way. Too much sugar will raise you high and crash you on the pavement. It also makes you susceptible to sickness. Avoid caffeine, which wires and expires you.

Get help - you are worth it. Get someone to talk to. Get active, get close to God, and get on with your life. Become involved in today - don't dwell on yesterday or tomorrow.

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DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

Q: How do you act on a date so the guy will ask you out again?

A: When you date, don't do it to impress someone else, to show off, or for any other negative reason. Go out because you want to get to know this person because you accept him as he is. These guidelines will help you in your dating:

1. Be yourself. Don't pretend to be your best friend or the most popular girl in the school. Don't act the way you think your date would want you to act. Don't pretend you are anything you aren't - be yourself.

2. Don't get physically involved. People in school and society may tell you that you have a better chance of keeping your boyfriend if you become involved physically, but just the opposite is true. The moment you become involved physically, your boyfriend will want more and more. You will never communicate the way you did before, and your whole relationship will become physical.

3. Don't put yourself in situations where you have to compromise. If you do, you will regret your actions. It's not enough to say no to sex. Don't get near parties where drugs are available or go to a place where you know there will be no chaperones. Use your mind - not just your heart and hormones - when you date.

4. Treat your date with respect. If you do, he is more likely to treat you with respect. If he doesn't treat you well, do you really want to see him often?

5. Demand the very best for yourself. Keep this relationship aboveboard, and remember that you are worth waiting for. Chances are very good that you will not marry this person, so don't do something that will cause you lifelong regret.

6. Lighten up and have fun. Don't try to be perfect or wait for the perfect date to enjoy yourself. Stressing yourself out like that will not make either of you happy. Just because you stick to your principles doesn't mean you have to be a deadhead. Laugh often and be full of joy.

7. Ask your date questions about himself. This will show you are interested in him. Focus on him, and he will feel important. Don't try to top his story with a better one. Never interrupt. Be a great listener and encourager. These guidelines will help you keep your date and will teach you a lifetime full of good human-relation rules. (The same guidelines will help a guy keep his date.)

8. Plan fun, interesting dates. Get away from the ordinary and dull. Move toward new things; try something you've always wanted to do; go to new places. Movies and dances never encourage communication. Get creative!

9. Keep conversation alive. Don't force the other person, so you have to "pull teeth" to get him to open up. Remain cheerful and don't let little things get you down. Keep those communication lines open.

Q: How can I tell if I'm in love?
A: Remember when you were in elementary school, and boys didn't think girls existed, while girls wouldn't touch a boy? Then one day you reached puberty, your eyes popped out, and you noticed the opposite sex. Everything has changed!
Now when you meet a special someone you wonder, is this the one? When you ask advice, someone tells you, "You'll know when you're in love. Don't worry about it." That friend might mean well, but it's not necessarily true. Often teens mistake infatuation, puppy love, or excitement over the opposite sex for real love.

It's no wonder teens feel confused. Fifty years ago, girls entered puberty at fifteen years old; today they do at twelve. Boys once entered puberty at sixteen; today they do at thirteen. In addition, the media and America's attitude preach, "If it feels good, do it," so teens feel ready to rush into love. Don't let that bounce you into a substitute for love. When you meet that someone, ask yourself:

1. Am I ready to date? It's wise to wait until you are sixteen because you'll need maturity to know when you're dating wisely. At first, go out in groups. Make certain you can totally respect your date and the other people in the group. You'll want to be sure you never take advantage of someone else and that he or she will not take advantage of you. "Love" is a poor reason to give up your virginity, and it's an even worse reason to get married.

2. What are my reasons for dating? Have you got the right motives and right direction when you are around people of the opposite sex? Do you seek pleasure at all costs - even if that means having sex before marriage and justifying it by claiming you're "in love"? Are you willing to risk a sexually transmitted disease, because love "entitles" you to go all the way? Are you willing to lose your friendships with your parents and God? Do you want to become a liar and a deceiver in order to experience that pleasurable feeling? Wrong motives can leave you haunted by visions of people of whom you have taken advantage or who have taken advantage of you.

3. Am I looking toward the future? You will probably date many people before you marry. You have the rest of your life before you. Someday be able to tell your children, "I believe I was worth waiting for. Even though I lived through a time of sexual revolution, I waited until my partner and I were bonded in holy matrimony to have sex. We have built our love on the foundations of truth, honesty, and integrity."

Are you really in love? It's great to have strong feelings for a member of the opposite sex, but don't let those emotions engulf you. A lifetime of regret is simply not worth it.

Q: In the past my dad abused me, and I hate him for it. My boyfriend and I plan to run away and get married, as soon as school is over; but how can I be sure my life won't turn out just like my parents'? Help!
A: Before you go anywhere, go for professional counseling. Abuse has left you with scars, hurts, and troubles that you cannot fix alone.
Running away will not solve your problems; it will only make things a hundred times worse. Why? Because whether or not you realize it, girls base their expectations for their husbands on what they did or didn't see in their fathers.

I'm sure you don't want to end up as an abused wife or a husband abuser. If you don't resolve the things that have happened in your family, you may end up in one of these situations. Either way the odds are heavily against your marriage working out. It will probably only last a few years - or even months.

Many people go into marriage expecting this new spouse to solve their problems. But no person can do that successfully, so from the spouse, they go on to transfer those expectations onto the children, a new home, or something else. Meanwhile, they're drowning in the sea of problems that surrounded them from the start. The time to deal with problems is before you marry.

If you marry without relieving the pressure from this abuse, someday it will explode. Perhaps heat will build up a little at a time, over months or years - or it may happen rapidly. Counseling can help cool things down. Then, if you still wish to marry, you and your boyfriend will have a chance.

Talk with your boyfriend and tell him that marriage has to wait. If he insists on marrying now, he, too, is hurrying things. Marriage lasts a lifetime. Waiting a few more months - or even years - is not the end of the world. If neither of you can hold off, think what it could mean for the next year or so of your marriage.

I believe you know the truth in your heart. Getting help will not be easy. You will have to confront issues and deal with them a little at a time, but the gains in your future will make it all worthwhile. Fight the uphill battle now, while you are single, or you will have a husband, children, and others deeply entangled in your confusion.

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Friends

Q: You talk a lot about making your brother or sister a friend. How can I do that?

A: It's a good idea to make your brother or sister a friend, because that relationship could benefit you both for your whole lives. By getting started now, you can enjoy closeness for many years.

1. Look at things from your brother or sister's point of view. Your younger brother may just want to be part of your group. Your older sister may feel the pressures of looking for a college or finding a job. When you relate to them, take into account how each person thinks and what it's like to be that age.

2. Be considerate of your brother or sister. To make that easier, think about what it would be like to be an only child. If you think it would be fun, ask only children about the loneliness. Talk to a friend who has no brothers or sisters, to see it from another perspective. Perhaps you've taken your family for granted.

3. Don't let others keep you from this friendship. How much does peer pressure affect how you treat your family? Most teens fight with a sibling - at least some of the time - because their friends do it. Just because your friend doesn't think it's cool to be pals with his brother, does that mean you can't turn your sister into a friend? Decide for yourself.

How would you feel if your brother or sister had been killed? Would you wish you'd done something differently? Make those changes before it's too late.

Q: Why do special cliques have to exist in our school?
A: It hurts to feel left out. No one likes to feel as if she were "on the outside, looking in." No guy wants to feel he could never be part of the team or liked by the best-looking girls in the class. But believe it or not, there are some positive reasons why you have certain groups in your school.
1. Part of it is normal, healthy, and necessary. When people who share interests get together, they can form better friendships. If you hate baseball, you'd never feel comfortable on the team; people who can't stand chess don't really want to be in the chess club, and chances are they don't have many friends on the chess team, because they have different interests. It's the same way with other groups of people.

2. No one can have lots and lots of intimate friends. Building friendships takes time and effort. About the largest number of close friends you could have would be four, and at times you may only have one. But when you have four friends, you may not be as close to any of them as you'll be to that one.

Though you can know lots of people and care for them, you can't become truly close with twenty or thirty people at once. No one has the energy or time to nurture so many deep relationships.

So limiting friendships is not all bad, if it causes better relationships based on common interests and goals.

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Drugs

Q: Why are you so against responsible use of alcohol? If someone's going to drink anyway, what's wrong with a designated driver?

A: Certainly I will not encourage you to drink and drive. However, I'd like to suggest that you make an even wiser decision than having a friend drive: Don't drink.
I have five reasons for saying that.

1. It's illegal for teens to drink. Since when do you get to choose which laws to break? Having a sober driver does not make the drunken teens in his car any more legal.

2. Encouraging teens to drink lowers everyone's expectations. Instead of calling teens to strive for excellence, those who allow them to drink encourage compromise. Advocates of a teen's right to drink say, "Well, they will drink anyway, so we may as well give up our standards." They ignore the negative results of drinking on a teen's life and reputation.

3. We have lost moral standards. In allowing drinking, we have stopped calling right, right, and wrong, wrong. By saying teens can drink as long as they don't get behind the wheel, we give them a mixed message. They can no longer understand that teen drinking is wrong - and adult drinking isn't smart.

4. This attitude encourages teens to do "little" wrongs. When we okay "responsible use," we give them the idea that some wrong things are more wrong than others are. That would be like trying to limit a teen's shoplifting - you still haven't dealt with the problem.

5. It gives young people a false view of popularity. By encouraging teens to "drink responsibly," we give them the impression that popularity wins out over the safety of our future - today's teens.

Q: How can I help my school become drug free?
A:
1. Start with yourself. Make certain you do not use drugs, or you will never have much impact on your environment. Avoid all illegal and addicting drugs - that includes alcohol and tobacco.

2. Encourage others. Ask students, teachers, and everyone else in school to live drug free.

3. Get support at home. Challenge your parents to set a good example. Though alcohol, cigarettes, and caffeine may be legal for them, ask them to give them up. Why do they need those to get through the day?

4. Take the pledge. Once you have the approval of the school, start a group of students, administrators, and parents who pledge to stay away from drugs. Remember alcohol and tobacco are addictive drugs.

5. Ask for community support. Businesses or community members may be willing to donate TVs, stereos, videos, and so on to give away at drug-free activities students attend. They may also provide financial support or publicity.

6. Tell younger students. Get drug-free students to tell their stories to the elementary grades. Those who speak this way will raise their own self-confidence and reach other people at the same time.

7. Bring in a drug free speaker. Outside motivational speakers can often awaken an entire school to what drugs really are and what using them means.

8. Help students build self-esteem. Encourage programs that will raise student's self-worth. When that becomes healthy and positive, they will become less likely to ruin themselves with destructive elements.

9. Let former drug users share their testimonies. Invite people who have recovered from drug addiction to share their stories in classes. Let a former alcoholic describe what it is like to be addicted to drinking.

10. Promote drug free activities. Have fun and wholesome times at drug-free parties, bowling, tennis, or racquetball events, a game night, skits, and so on. Get creative. I put strobe lights on my kites, and my whole family flies them at night.

11. Develop publicity. Start some fundraising activities that the whole community can become involved in. Use your connections in the community to gain support.

12. Advertise the danger of illegal drugs. Make your student body aware that drugs ruin and never build up. They make dreams die. Help people to have illegal use of drugs.

13. Seek help from community groups. Contact religious groups and law-enforcement agencies for support.

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Helping Others

Q: A girl came to me for help, but her problem is too big for me to handle. What should I do? Should I tell her to come back later or send her to someone else?

A: When someone comes to you with a problem that you cannot provide counsel for, don't simply tell her to come back, unless by doing that you will be able to provide the help she needs. Instead stick with her until you can connect her with others who can provide assistance. Even if you can't solve all her problems, you can still help her by:

> 1. Listening. Show her that you care enough to be there when she needs you, to listen without interruption, to concentrate on and understand what she says. Listen to her the way you would like someone to listen to you when you have a problem. Don' jump in with possible solutions before she has finished telling the story. Listening means "open ears, close mouth."

2. Admitting your limitations. If you can't provide counsel, don't fear admitting it. Let her know, though, that you can put her in touch with someone who will help her.

3. Contacting another counselor. Take her to an older, wiser person - a school counselor, a caring teacher, or someone trained to find an answer.

By taking these steps, you will let her know her situation is not hopeless. Together with caring counselors, you can find an answer.

Q: I want to become a peer listener and help other teens. How can I convince the rest of the school - or even just a few kids - that I can help and that I can help them?
A: Is there a peer-counseling program in your school? If so, join it; if not, you may want to help start one. However, you will need the cooperation of your school, in order to do it there. Establish a good relationship with the administration, teachers, and the proper professionals. Their backup becomes essential if you run into problems you cannot handle. Do not seek to do it with students alone.
1. Begin by getting the proper training. Once you have done this, let other students know you are a peer listener and have been trained to listen and initiate help.

2. When you start, gain small successes. Help those with small problems first, to gain some background. Don't take on the largest problem in your school, because failure at that may stop you in your tracks.

3. Ask the school what problems they most need help with. From a committee of adults and students; put out a survey to find out where the student body needs you most. Let your school know you are for real and that there is hope. You can be part of the solution to hopelessness among your peers.

Forming a peer-counseling network or becoming part of an established counseling team may not be easy, but stick with it. You'll want to convince students that you have an answer they may not have found elsewhere. Above all, remember you are a listener, not a trained counselor.

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Making a Home, Sweet Home

Q: Why don't my parents listen to me?

A: When you can't seem to get through to Mom and Dad, ask yourself, How is our communication? Believe it or not, your parents probably want to know what you think. Yet they may not know where to start, so give them a hand.
To talk to Mom or Dad successfully, first, make sure that you choose a good time. If Mom has just heard that her sister is very ill, unless yours is a serious problem and you need an answer immediately, you'll do better to talk later. If Dad's trying to keep the sink from overflowing , and you want to talk about going to the baseball game, he probably can't give you much attention.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't arrange a time to talk or that you should allow an over-busy parent to get away with never speaking to you. Just make certain you haven't chosen a bad moment.

Q: You advise lots of teens to write letters to their parents, when they have a problem. Why is this better than talking it out?
A: If you have open communication with your parents, you may not need to write a letter to them. That's great! But in many families and situations, that kind of communication does not exist. Writing a letter may help people understand one another and set up good lines of communication. If you're having trouble reaching or understanding your parents, write a letter. For these reasons:

1. A letter lets you speak your piece. Usually, when parents and teens have problems, they have a hard time talking without shouting, interrupting one another, or fighting. Writing can help you get all your ideas down, without interruption or emotional flare-ups. Your letter can get things out in the open by identifying the problem and your feelings.

When your parents read the letter, they can each do it as a person, not a parent. They cannot scream or get angry, because you won't be there to hear it. Since you know these things, you can feel free to fully express yourself.

2. A letter helps you plan what you want to say. Before you write, think about what you want to communicate. Make sure to tell your parents how much you love and appreciate them. Focus on these positive emotions as much as possible. Tell your side of the story, and make sure to be careful about not being misunderstood, or attacking them, or throwing things in your parents' faces. Don't write anything you may regret. Suggest some solutions, and ask for your parent's opinions.

3. A letter can start better communication. Remember, though, this is not a cure-all. Don't expect one letter to make everything perfect or completely change your mom and dad.

I hope you don't need to write a letter to your parents, but if you do, try it. From there you may go on to being able to talk things out - it could be a good start.

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When Home isn't so Sweet

Q: My parents are getting divorced, and I'm in the middle of a custody battle. When the judge asks me whom I want to live with, what can I say?

A: When I get a letter like this one, I always wish the teen behind it didn't have to deal with such a hard situation. How can anyone choose between two parents, hurting one and for a short time, making the other happy. I'm no expert on this, but as I've talked with young people, they've shared their insight.
Begin by asking yourself:

1. Do I understand that it isn't fair? You shouldn't have to choose between your parents, and it won't be an easy decision. No matter what you do, you can't completely win. Make the best choice you can, and leave the regrets behind.

Take many things into account. Maybe one parent cannot support you, or one has abused you. A choice like that seems easy. It's harder when you have two parents who love you and want you to live with them. Or what if you have two equally bad choices? Take it to God in prayer and look as objectively at the situation as possible. Once you've made the decision, leave it in God's hands. Torturing yourself with the guilt will never solve your problems.

2. Whom do I feel comfortable with? If you had to decide which parent you get along with best, which would you choose? Do you fight with your mom and have peace with Dad? Realize, too, that the old saying "Opposites attract" has some truth to it. If you have a perfectionist dad, and you are easy going, it could be difficult - but you could also offset each other's strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps you could help Dad lighten up, and he could help you get organized. Go into this, though, expecting a few rough spots.

3. Which parent am I closest to? Do you have a special bond with Mom or Dad? If all else is equal, you may decide to go with the one with whom you experience the most love and with whom that special closeness seems to last longest.

4. Which could cause the least upset in my life? Would you have to change schools, leave your friends, or move to another state? Think carefully about this important factor. Would you have a lower stress level, because you'd experience less change, if you moved in with Mom?

5. Which parent allows the most contact with extended family? I think it's important to keep as much of your support system intact as possible.

6. Which one is more stable? Could one parent bring the influence of drugs into your life? Does one have few emotional resources? Which environment will give you the best chance to cope with life and develop positive character qualities?

7. Which parent has the closest relationship with God? If one of my parents knew Jesus as Savior and would root me in a strong church and help me spiritually, I'd probably choose that one. That's not to say that the Christian parent will always be the right choice.

8. Which parent would demand the most of me and give me the best supervision? We all feel safer when we have a parent who is strong enough to say no when we want to go to the wrong place, with the wrong crowd, or into the wrong situation.

Consider the parent who will challenge you to do what's right and not just give in when you yell long and loudly.

By asking you to make this decision, the judge places you in the middle of a vise; it gets tighter, no matter what. You'll be squeezed, no matter whom you choose. Pray long and hard. Ask the opinion of many trusted individuals who know your family. Pray again for guidance, and see what God says to your heart. Only by letting Him show you the way can you win.

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